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EP

by Dolores

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1.
first epitaph my solitude was holy then I peopled it with demons my father was calling but I gave him the wrong number are you lonely, ask yourself are you angry, or are you holding out my closest friends were only, I realize now my closest friends were only trying to save me from myself I kept my mother waiting for a call on her birthday if I had angels they were weeping, from high above if I had angels they were weeping and I swore it was laughter who was that there picking up the hair the hair that i pulled out and who am I, all the time in the world and no lies to tell myself my apologies to the academy of strangers my apologies to mary all the sermons that I left in the trash I never threw out, I knew one day I’d be back all the lyrics that I buried in the tracks but never threw out for fear of being found out all the eyes staring out of the uncarveable sky indecipherably unalone I knew I’d make peace with the journey of the self before time runs out gone is gone
2.
body like a drone plan it out plan it out your war is coming taste its sweat in your mouth god made us hungry and it’s only just begun feast yourself on the skin of your prize judge is here but he won’t preside and it’s only you and me yeah you know you want it yeah your crazy never alone yeah you know you want even more yeah your crazy never full bury myself alive in your native land so I can be reborn in my native land breaking my back in the name of a home if my heart had an army to stop what it wants if my heart had an army to stop what it does that still wouldn’t be enough that still wouldn’t be enough that still wouldn’t be enough yeah you know you want it yeah your crazy never alone yeah you know you want even more your body like a drone
3.
talking about love sick of waiting on my brother to learn how to walk sick of praying for the sidewalk to hold him up & it never will ma, remember when the siren used to sound, my heart once gave a fuck now i live in the same city as my sister & you know that we never talk think of leaving for a pack of smokes & catching the bus & how cliché it is meanwhile Jimmy’s in the backyard beating the kids & the dogs get out we embarrass ourselves in a notebook from ten years past, we say “it is what it is” picture us kids of the stoop, saying “one day we’ll be bigger than this” how could I forget that anna is dead when just yesterday I saw her ghost as we watched the bird-swells up & down the coast holding hands in the way the waves crashed & we were the least drunk we’d ever been (I still say a life lived) now the silence has us questioning if this is someone special at all how little it’d have cost us to have meant more to one another how little it’d have cost us to have held on to the tethers little powder in the palm little money on the floor sweaty prayer for Solomon who could keep a perfect heart for the kingdom of each other the metro tickets blowing in our faces while we fight & the pillow still warm from the night before what we talk about when we talk about love what the mouths are mouthing in the photographs what we feel when the walls start punching back what we talk about when we talk about love what we talk about when we slam the door what we talk about when we borrow a stranger’s phone to make a call

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released September 16, 2016

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Dolores Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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